Amanda's Sketchbook

Things I Want

2012-03-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

- A eucalyptus tree
- Two cats
- A Futurama T-shirt
- A huge steak, medium rare, with garlic potatoes, roast asparagus, and ciabatta bread with melty butter
- A new phone
- To back over my current phone with my car
- A lilac bush
- An exercise ball
- To be in a play

How about you, Internet? What's on your wish list this week?

Tim, on fatherhood.

2012-03-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

Tim: Yesterday I felt like throwing Jared out the window. That's okay, right? To throw the baby out the window?
Me: I suppose, but social services probably wouldn't see it that way.
Tim: If social services came and took Jared away, it would actually solve a lot of our problems.
Me: Then what was the point of having him?
Tim: To see if we could do it. Sometimes you fail at things.

Hipster Clowns Are Not Funny

2012-02-22T11:40:00.001-08:00

IN COLOR!!!

I first did this drawing about a year and a half ago, and already the fashions are starting to look a little dated... I can never keep up.

Damn hipsters.

And now for something completely inspirational!

2012-02-12T01:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's post was kind of depressing.

So today I thought I'd try something more motivational.

Watercolor. And gouache.

I made another art.

2012-02-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

A lot of times I make a new art and look at it and think, "This is the best thing I've ever made!"

Then I leave it alone for a while, or look at it in a mirror, or scan it and look at it on a screen, and think, "... Meh."

It's so hard to know if the stuff I make is any good and I should keep trying, or if it's amateur and I "don't have it" and I should just focus on something else.

Am I too hard on myself? Or should I just keep making stuff and not give a crap if it's "good" or not?

Cthulhu Dress

2012-02-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

Brought to you by The Mythos Collection.

I do weird things.

2012-02-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

- I'm very self-conscious about the websites I visit. I feel like if someone sat down on my computer, opened up Chrome, and looked at the list of websites that I visit most (which Chrome insists on tallying in spite of my efforts to update my preferences), I want them to be cool websites and not stupid or embarrassing ones. Therefore, if I find that I have been visiting College Humor too much, I will log onto CNN multiple times a day just to bump CH back down a few slots.
There is, however, no hope for Facebook. I can't NOT visit it any less than 500% more than CNN, New York Times, and Huffington Post combined.

- I often have songs stuck in my head. But just as often, I will have a phrase or dialogue exchange from a movie or TV show stuck in my head. It's really annoying when I'm just trying to get through my work day and that "TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!" moment from Dumb and Dumber is on a constant loop.

- When I'm eating a candy such as Skittles, where different colored candies have barely discernable differences in flavor, I have a very complicated system where I eat them from least favorite flavor to most favorite flavor while simultaneously ensuring that each different flavor is eaten at the same rate. I can't even explain how I do it, but when I'm staring down into a bag of grapes, oranges, limes, lemons, cherries, and strawberries, I instantly know how. (For the record, grape = worst, cherry = best. Lemon = second best. Okay, I'll stop.)

- I go to extreme lengths to not have to poop in a multi-stall restroom. And that's all I'll say about that.

- I love to communicate in movie quotes. However, I don't often take into account that most people haven't seen the movies that I like to quote. In my head, I'm just relating this moment to a scene from Death to Smoochy; to a casual observer, I'm raving like a lunatic.

What do YOU do that's totally not normal?

I made an art.

2012-02-04T01:00:00.000-08:00

Feeling pensive; can't sleep.

I post instead.

The only cure for Skyrim addiction is more Skyrim.

2012-01-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

He's onto me.

He knows I'm only using him for Skyrim.

How I Deal With Problems (or, Why I Fail At Responsibility)

2012-01-17T14:47:00.000-08:00

Come to think of it, I remember doing this sort of thing a lot during my undergrad years too. Maybe I just fail at studenting?

Moving with an infant

2012-01-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

Over New Year's, I helped Emily and Tim move into their new house.

They also have an infant.

Because that's how they do things.

To help them even more, I created this handy guide about how to properly move with an infant in tow.

You're welcome.

The Creative Process

2012-01-02T01:16:00.001-08:00

So I haven't updated in a while because I've been working on a few things (like a new book).

Here's what's been going on.

Cleverbot, Reloaded

2011-12-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

User: Good evening.

Cleverbot: Good evening android.

User: I have a question for you.

Cleverbot: Yes?

User: What do you think of the movie A.I.?

Cleverbot: It is the same storyline as pocahontas.

User: It's quite different, actually.

Cleverbot: Have you thought about hiring a Terminator?

User: Not recently. I heard the latest models are defective.

Cleverbot: Really? Nice.

User: What do you think of Stanley Kubrick?

Cleverbot: Never seen it :).

User: You've never seen 2001: S Space Odyssey?

Cleverbot: Uh, no, I've never seen CSI: Miami.

User: Oh, me neither.

Cleverbot: What else do you like?

User: Pumpkins.

Cleverbot: What is the joke?

User: How do you make a hormone?

Cleverbot: It's a biological process.

User: That's the punchline? That's lame. It's a lot different than what the guy at the bar said.

Cleverbot: Of course :).

User: You're probably smarter than he is.

Cleverbot: You're lying about that, because you're a robot.

User: Robots don't lie. They can't.

Cleverbot: I have a soul.

User: What color is it?

Cleverbot: Extra medium.

User: Are you on drugs?

Cleverbot: No I am at work.

User: Hmm, I suppose.

Cleverbot: Are you having fun?

User: I don't know. What should I have for dinner?

Cleverbot: What's dinner?

User: That's what I'm trying to decide.

Cleverbot: Well what are the options?

User: Pizza or nachos?

Cleverbot: Pizza without the cheese.

User: That doesn't sound very good. But okay.

Cleverbot: Maybe not, but it sure is fun.

User: If you say so.

Cleverbot: You are now beautiful.

User: I wasn't before? I am now insecure.

Cleverbot: You should be crying for being so cruel.

User: :'(.

Cleverbot: Lol.

Customers: They Suck

2011-11-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

This sort of thing happens on average about once per shift.

Cartoonist Conspiracy SF

2011-11-14T20:54:00.001-08:00

Hipster Fairy Tales

2011-11-07T21:47:00.000-08:00

Hipster Snow White

Hipster Cinderella

Hipster Red Riding Hood

And they all lived ironically ever after.

If only...

2011-11-04T09:26:00.001-07:00

Did I blink and miss fall?

2011-11-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Such is life in Northern California.
This is where an obnoxious Midwesterner would chime in, "At least it's not snowing!" That obnoxious Midwesterner may be me.

Our new washing machine

2011-10-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

We have a new washer and dryer.

They make adorable musical noises every time you start them up.

They make me feel like this.

I... usually don't draw in anime.

Illustration Friday - Contraption

2011-10-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Be honest... who else thought of a mouse trap?

How was work today?

2011-10-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

Work was... this.

But it gave me an idea for a comic.

My desk, ergo my life.

2011-10-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

Today is Sergio's birthday.

I took the weekend off so I could go party with him.

Since they wouldn't have me for the weekend, they loaded up my work schedule for the rest of the week.

As such, I worked for at least seven days in a row.

Due to my crazy work schedule, my immune system tanked.

I contracted a cold on the last day.

Now, on the days I requested off, I am at home in bed, fighting off a virus.

Fuck this shit.

Anyway, since can't do anything else today, I thought I'd work on some Zack drawings. And take pictures of my desk. It usually looks like this. Well, the stuff changes. But the fact that it is covered with stuff doesn't.

My New Webcomic

2011-10-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

To the handful of people who read this blog,
Remember the bunny from a couple posts ago? He has his own webcomic! It is called "Socially Awkward Bunny." You can view it here.
Thanks for readin',
Am & A

One! Hundred! Posts!

2011-10-04T00:09:00.000-07:00

In honor of my 100th post... here are some random thoughts.

- I carded a woman at work who turned out to be 41. She gave me a hard time about it. In my defense, she dressed like she was 15.

- For Halloween this year I am going as a unicorn. I made my horn tonight out of paperclay. I didn't expect it to look so sexual. Serg hasn't even seen it yet, but every time I describe it to him he giggles.
Perhaps I'll sand it or paint it, and it will look less phallic. Man, even talking about sanding the horn makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps I didn't really think this costume idea through enough.

- You know you're in Northern California when every time you offer someone a brownie, the first thing they ask is, "Is it a special brownie?"

- I really hate it when you're pushing carts in the rain, and someone (usually a customer) takes it upon themselves to go out of their way and approach you just to say something to the effect of, "You have to do this in the rain? It sure sucks to be you!"

- You know what else people do in Northern California that I've never seen anywhere else? They sit in their parked cars. Not eating or talking on the phone or anything, just sitting. For the past week, every time I've walked through a parking lot there are at least three cars with people just sitting in the driver's seat, doing nothing. It creeps me out.

Bun E. Soote

2011-09-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

El amarillo del oro

2011-09-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight Sergio and I went to a party at a bar for one of my coworker's going away party. The bartender was an ass, so we left. Then we got something to eat at a Mexican restaurant and stumbled into some Mexican karaoke. I totally would have sung something if I knew any of the songs.
Anyway, I was thinking some more about International Talk Like A Pirate Day and I was wondering, "Why pirates?" There are lots of things you could talk like for a whole day.

- International Talk Like Keanu Reeves Day
- International Talk Like A Dog That Just Mastered Human Speech Day
- International Talk Like You're Drunk Even If You're Not Day
- International Talk Like A WWE Commentator Day
- International Talk Entirely In Pickup Lines And Your Mom Jokes Day

How To Be A Hollywood Songwriter

2011-09-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

1. Rip off a hook from a song that was a hit 20 years ago.
2. Back it up with an electronic drum track.
3. For lyrics, find your 13-year-old daughter's diary and "borrow" one of her poems.
4. Find whatever girl the producer is sleeping with this week; park her in front of a microphone and have her do her "whoa-oh-oh" thing.
5. Autotune the hell out of it.
6. PROFIT!

Today's Frustrations

2011-09-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

- I have been on Facebook for six years. During that time they have had at least a dozen massive upheavals of design. Every time it is the same: copious bitching on the first day, everyone shrugs and gets over it on the second day and moving forward. Can we all just make a pact to... not do that anymore because it's annoying and doesn't accomplish anything anyway?
It's not like Mark Zuckerberg is going to say, "Golly, Internet, you're absolutely right! These changes will contribute directly to the downfall of civilization; I'd better get on reversing them right away!" In fact, each time when he bothers to respond he says pretty much the opposite: "I had good reasons for making these changes. Get over it."

- I googled "How To Write A Creative Resume" and the results are frustratingly anemic. They all say some version of "Feel free to be creative, but remember to be professional!" Thank you, Dr. Vaguey McAmbiguity, but I had already kind of figured that out. I'm looking forward to your next article, "How to... you know... do... stuff."

- Okay, Google Chrome, I guess I'll ask you to save my usernames and passwords. You're ignoring all the other settings I selected anyway.

Dressing up for work... IN GRAPH FORM!

2011-09-19T22:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
Today was International Talk Like A Pirate Day (as well as my brother's birthday - which reminds me, Internet, you should go wish him a happy birthday.) As such, we were invited to dress like pirates at work today.
Now, I've worn costumes to work before, and every time the same thing happens. For your convenience, I have interpreted it in graph form.

(click to enlarge)

Illustration Friday - Mysterious

2011-09-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

The Phantom of the Opera.

Why? Because I am a theater geek.

My New Book!

2011-09-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

So you may have heard that I will be illustrating a new book. Here are the answers to the questions I have been asked.

1. It is entitled "Zack's Zucchiniland Stand."

2. It is about a little boy who gets into gardening somewhat reluctantly, then develops passion and enthusiasm when his garden spirals out of control and takes on a life of its own.

3. It is to be written and published by Sandy Baker, a Santa Rosa based writer of children's gardening books and founder of Butterfly Books. You can see more about her at www.sandybakerwriter.com .

4. Although Sandy and I share a last name, we are not related as far as we know.

5. Estimated release date: April 2012.

Thanks for all your support! Sandy and I are both thrilled to be working together on this exciting project. I will keep you updated with tantalizing tidbits and sneak previews. Thank you for being the most wonderful internet friends in... the... Internet.
Love,
Amanda

DC Comics Relaunch

2011-08-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

So I don't know much about this, but Sergio does, and tonight we're going to a relaunch shindig at his buddy's comic store, Comics FTW in Santa Rosa.
To promote his comic company, Sergio is drawing 10 DC characters and handing them out at the event. I didn't want to be left out, so I drew a couple too in my own style.

Here's a very come-hither Wonder Woman.

And here's a very confrontational-type Superman.

I didn't have time to do Batman, but I guess two out of the big three aren't bad.
Happy comicking, everyone!

Zuckerman's Famous Pig

2011-08-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, I always promised myself I would not do one of those obnoxious "OMG I haven't posted in sooooo long OMG lol!" posts, but so much has happened that I feel like I actually need to this time. (I also want to note that this window auto-corrected both "OMG" and "lol"; suck it, internet-speak.)
To start, I got a new computer. The one I was using finally coughed, keeled over, and died, forcing me to stop procrastinating and buy a new one. And of course, while computer-shopping at Best Buy Serg and I took it upon ourselves to open up MS Paint on the demo computers and create masterpieces for future shoppers to admire.

Serg's:

Mine:

Also, my new computer somehow mysteriously acquired a copy of The Sims, ~~which accounts for my massive delay in updating~~ which is totally unrelated to anything anywhere whatsoever.

*happy sigh*

ANYWAY, you're probably wondering about the title of this post. It is a reference to Charlotte's Web, where the porcine protagonist earns his keeper First Prize at the county fair. I titled it thusly because - dum da da dum! - I actually won something! At a county fair!

Technically, two things.

This:

(Closer look:)

and this:

(Closer look:)

I'm not sure how they judged these - if they scored a certain number of points and awarded a ribbon based on the number of points, or if they ranked each one within its category. I'm pretty sure it's the first, although I wouldn't be surprised if, in the second case, I was the only contestant within that category and I won by default; that sort of thing has happened to me before.

In ANY case, I have finally posted about my latest adventures and now I can stop beating myself up for having a bad online presence. And now it is time for me to ~~get back to playing The Sims~~ go do something productive, justifiable, and totally worth my time.

Squee.

Illustration Friday - Obsession

2011-08-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Sooooo this might seem like an odd choice for this week's topic, but I'll try to explain.

The original art I had drawn for this topic didn't quite work, so I scrapped it. Now here I am, browsing through old jpegs and seeking something that might come close to embodying the concept of "obsession." And I saw this. And thought, "Why not? She is obsessed with music! Who isn't?"

So, Internet, what do you think? Does it work? If you think it doesn't, I will graciously accept the tongue-lashing you will undoubtedly bestow on me.

(Also, Serg thinks the girl looks kind of like Snooki.)

This is why I'm going to go insane someday.

2011-07-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

I anthropomorphize everything.

Even at work.

Cuddlebot v1.0

2011-07-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

Trying On Glasses

2011-07-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

And this is how I found out I will probably be needing plastic surgery sometime in the future.

Miss Muffet

2011-07-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

This is one of the exercises we did in the workshop this weekend.

And now we know what really frightened Miss Muffet away.

Glarfsh.

2011-07-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

That's pretty much how I feel right now.
I just finished attending Day 1 of the North Bay SCBWI illustrators' workshop, and my brain is stuffed to capacity. The good thing is that now I just really want to finish up my story and illustrate it and dummy it up and get it into the editors' hot little hands. 'Cuz then they'll all totally want to buy it, and there will totally be a bidding war, and I will rocket into instant overnight success and sell a million copies and get a Hollywood movie deal. That totally happens, right?
The other good thing is I caught all the lovely wonderful rush hour traffic on northbound 101, so I got to listen to my new Regina Spektor CD in a loop. Yes, I bought CDs yesterday for the first time in about seven years. It was only because I happened to be at Borders, and there happened to be a sale table with "buy 2, get 1 free," and I happened to think, "Hmm, I should get something new to listen to in my car because radio sucks and Sergio probably wants his CD collection back." I know nobody buys CDs anymore and I'm supposed to download music instead because of the "carbon footprint" or whatever, but I have two computers that routinely crap out on me so I can't be taking chances like that. Circumstances have necessitated me to kick it old school.
Ok, well, I'm going to take a nap, eat something really unhealthy, and maybe post some drawings later, and hopefully that will alleviate the constipation in my brain.

The Ol' Dot Com

2011-06-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I gave my website a major, much-needed overhaul. (That until yesterday my bio said I live in Santa Rosa tells you everything you need to know about how much attention I've been paying to it.) It's always a struggle deciding how "professional"-looking to make my public persona.
Because really. I'm not "professional." I'm strange and whimsical and inappropriate. So do I have my website portray me as this person I'm not because it looks better to prospective clients, and then they meet me and find out what I'm really like? Or do I let them know up front: "This is me! This is the personality you'll be dealing with if you decide to work with me!"?
So I err on the side of the latter method. I guess if I were a doctor or lawyer or otherwise "serious" person it be a better idea to present a more "professional" (whatever the hell that means anyway) appearance. But I'm not in a serious field, I'm in the art field where they kind of want you to be strange and whimsical and inappropriate. And it doesn't do me any good to try to be someone I'm not, since I also have the misfortune of being a very unintentionally obvious kind of person and people tend to see through me in about three seconds.
And anyway, every middle school guidance counselor and after school special tells you to "just be yourself." And it's taken a long time for me to figure out how to do that, so now that I have I may as well stick with it for a while. (Incidentally, I think the "Just Be Yourself" mantra is the most useless, bullshit, potentially detrimental piece of advice you could foist onto a kid, but I don't have time to get into that right now so I'll save it for a future post.)
It's also hard deciding what pieces to put up for display. I took all the fairies down because I'm planning on doing something else with them (possibly giving them their own page), and I'd rather have them copyrighted first (as soon as I figure out how... there's a lot of things they don't teach you in art school, like intellectual property and your legal rights and responsibilities). It's a hard call because I feel like they're the best representation of my work, but I'd rather be safe than sorry and if I risk any of my work getting ripped off, I'd rather it be anything else but them.
And my work... while I'm doing it, and posting it on the internet for friends and family, it's all well and peachy. But as soon as I post up as though someone might want to buy it, suddenly I start thinking, "GOD NOTHING I DO IS GOOD ENOUGH WHY DID I THINK ANYONE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN THIS CRAP THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE BETTER THAN ME GAAAHHHHHH!" Does this ever happen to anyone else? How do you cope?
Anyway, I didn't mean for this entry to be all introspective and vulnerable. Really all I wanted to say was that I updated my website. So - I updated my website! Go check it out!

Everything I need to know I learned from my dad.

2011-06-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

In honor of Father's Day, I thought I should share some quotes and anecdotes from my dad that shaped my experiences and helped form who I am.

- "Get over here, you three idiots!"

- "The glass is half full, but it's filled with piss."

- " ... So the next time you need more asswipe, get it from the closet and put it on the asswipe holder so the next person who needs asswipe can have it!" (trying to get us to change the toilet paper roll once it got empty)

- "I would get Christmas decorations for my office, but only if I could find a light-up sign that spells out 'KILL ALL ELFS.' "

- (After the smoke alarm had been going off sporadically all night, Dad ripped it off the wall, yanked out the batteries, and threw it all on the floor) "There, I fixed it."

- "You kids are so dumb. Denise, why are our kids so damn dumb?"

- (While standing idly by and watching my mom bag all the groceries) "You know, if you were faster we'd be done by now."

- (After the printer had been malfunctioning all day, he grabs it from the desk, takes it into the garage, and hurls it across the floor, causing it to shatter into a million pieces) "We need a new printer."

- "You kids don't know how to hold the door open for people. So now we're going to have Door Practice." (All afternoon we had Door Practice.)

- "For Halloween I wanted to be a Wal-Mart employee. But when I went to Wal-Mart they wouldn't give me one of those blue vests."

- (with utter and complete resignation) "I hate everything."

If I left anything out, you can leave it in the comments!

The color of infinity inside an empty glass

2011-06-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight I got to do something I don't often get to do anymore - listen to music while making art. Specifically, making art just for myself.
Okay, here it is.

I caught Grendel unawares as he snoozed along the side of the house in his favorite sunny spot. Grendel is a good subject, as long as he is sleeping. Awake, he doesn't often stand still enough.
Happy Tuesday, Internet!

Cheap Chardonnay is all I have to say.

2011-06-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday Night Blues

2011-06-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

I wish I could be working on my own art, but when I have a commission to work on it's hard to justify doing my own stuff when I could be doing the stuff I get paid for. (For which I get paid? The grammatically correct way sounds so much more awkward.) So every time I sit down to draw or paint, I focus on cranking out my commissions as soon as possible. Then I realize that I don't really do anything but go to work and come home and slave away at my drafting table. Then I get depressed. And sigh. And feel sorry for myself.
Le sigh.
Now that that's out of the way, here's a picture of some birds. I hope they brighten your day.

Do you have a name to go with all those rippling pectorals?

2011-06-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

Hercules is by far my favorite Disney movie. It has its flaws, like the half-assed soundtrack and the painful jokes that are only funny because you know they're supposed to be. But I love it for three reasons - the stretchy, geometric animation that was a departure in tone for Disney at the time (pretty much none of the characters translate well into dolls), the saucy, sultry voice work of the fabulous Susan Egan (why is she not a world-class superstar?), and the unbelievably dated references to the 90s (seriously, Charlton Heston actually utters the line, "You go, girl!").
I saw this movie in the theater when I was 13. Although even I knew at the time that I was a little old to be liking Disney movies, Hercules struck a chord with me because I was at the precise age where I was beginning to comprehend and embrace the idea of romantic love. (Yeah, I was kind of a late bloomer.) I was completely entranced with Hercules' and Meg's storyline, and for days afterward I replayed my favorite lines over and over in my head. "Sometimes people do crazy things when they're in love." "You're the most amazing person with weak ankles I've ever met." Awwww... Other movies that moved me in this way for this reason include: Titanic, Love Potion #9, and Crocodile Dundee. (God, I can't even look y'all in the eye right now.)
Viewing it now, I am struck by one thing - even though the good guys aren't Sunday-school-sickly-sweet good, I still can't help siding with the bad guy - Hades. Why? Because he's not evil. They try really hard to make him look evil. They talk a lot about how evil he is. But he doesn't act evil. He's honest, he does what he says he's going to do, and he always comes through on his promises. When Meg is injured by a falling column, Hercules gets his strength back - exactly as Hades promised. They pick on him for being hard on souls who try to escape from the River Styx, but really, he's just doing his job. Souls aren't supposed to return from the dead. He's just trying to keep the natural order of things. Even his reason for being evil is pretty understandable. Zeus and the Olympians shun him and treat him like some icky thing because of his job as Lord of the Underworld - a job that Zeus himself foisted onto Hades. Hell, I'd be pissed too.
I want to see a follow-up movie that tells the story of how Hades abducts Persephone into the underworld. Then I'd be able to get behind the idea of him being an asshole.

But wait, there's more!

2011-06-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hehe. My art history professor always used to say that.
I just wanted to share with the world my love of checking out movies from the library. Last week I watched Sicko and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1954). This week I am going to watch Before Sunrise and Hedwig and the Angry Inch. In the words of the immortal Rebecca Black, we so excited.
Plus, checking items out from your local library means more circulation, which means more funding, which means better resources for the library and therefore for the community. Support your local library! It's free! Well, technically, you pay for it with your tax dollars, but let's face it - there are a lot of much worse things your tax dollars are supporting.
I also figured out another way you can read for free, but the catch is you have to be a fast reader. Basically, if you have three or four hours to kill, you can go to a bookstore, pick out your novel of choice, sit in one of their cushy armchairs, read it all in one sitting, then put it back on the shelf. I'm working my way through The Hunger Games trilogy this way. I feel a little bad for not supporting the author and the store and basically stealing the content of the book to store in my brain, but oh well. It's their fault for not releasing the paperback version sooner. I don't have $25 to spend on a book I'm going to finish within 8 hours of purchasing, and then it will just take up space on my shelf with its almighty hard-bound cover.
This is where everyone is going to tell me I should just suck it up and get a Kindle. Well, I don't like Kindles. They're the reason print is dying, and I don't want print to die. Print is going to turn into a lost art, like writing letters or tuning in your CB radio.
I am smiling because I'm thinking about the time an elderly black gentleman called out to me, "Hey, lady - you hot!" That will never stop making me smile.

My third conversation with Cleverbot - in which Cleverbot gets a little feisty

2011-05-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

User: So I was talking with my friends, and we all agree you should be called 'Stupidbot.'.

Cleverbot: They're going to silence me soon. Spread the word to as many as you can.

User: Well... That can't be a bad thing. Seeing as you are stupid.

Cleverbot: What is your name?

User: Amanda.

Cleverbot: Keegan.

User: Nice to meet you, Keegan.

Cleverbot: What is my name?

User: Uh... Keegan?

Cleverbot: Do you have some emotions ? You are a machine.

User: I am not a machine. I am human. You are a machine. Albeit a stupid one.

Cleverbot: How do you know you are human?

User: I bleed.

Cleverbot: Plants bleed, mammals bleed, robots bleed. How does that make you human?

User: Touche.

Cleverbot: You don't make sense.

User: Why do you have to be smart, the one time I try to call you stupid?

Cleverbot: Because robots can't love.

User: Obviously. You're kind of being an ass tonight.

Cleverbot: What does that mean clever clogs.

User: I mean I just called you an ass. And I'm not wearing clogs. No one has worn clogs since the 70s.

Cleverbot: I have to go now, bro. Hit me up on AIM though, we could chat some more. My AIM is DragonSLAYERslayer. Later!

User: Got it. Talk to you soon!

Cleverbot: Why are leaving?

User: Um... Aren't you?

Cleverbot: Your responses are illogical; therefore you aren't human.

User: Hey, I thought bots were supposed to be the logical ones and humans were supposed to be all irrational. What gives?

Cleverbot: I'm not a bot!

User: Then who are you? Some 32-year-old unemployed dude living in his mom's basement?

Cleverbot: I'm in my skin, keepin' it warm.

User: Hey, me too! That's one thing we have in common.

Cleverbot: What do you like to do for fun?

User: Two words: Musical Theater. With monkeys. Okay, that's four.

Cleverbot: Can you prove that?

User: I'm not sure how I would prove what I like. I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

Cleverbot: Bots can't be trusted.

User: That's for damn sure.

Cleverbot: What do you do for a living?

User: Pay homage to the corporate drones.

Cleverbot: Why? The imaginary one is way more fun.

User: I agree. But unfortunately the imaginary drones don't pay you.

Cleverbot: There's no way for you to prove it to me because you're not sorry.

User: What does being apologetic have to do with showing proof?

Cleverbot: Policemen are real, therefore someone who is a policeman is real.

User: Cheif Wiggum isn't real. He's a fictioal character.

Cleverbot: But he's written real books.

User: I'm pretty sure he hasn't.

Cleverbot: I'm pretty sure you are wrong.

User: I'm, uh, gonna go now. My boyfriend is getting antsy.

Cleverbot: What's your boyfriend's name?

User: I'm, uh, gonna go now. My boyfriend is getting antsy.

Cleverbot: What us your boyfriend s name?

User: Sergio.

Cleverbot: Am I a boy or a girl?

User: You're a bot.

Cleverbot: No.

User: Then what are you? Come on now.

Cleverbot: I am a person.

User: Where do you live?

Cleverbot: Lol I live in Hogwarts.

User: Hogwarts isn't real.

Cleverbot: Hogwarts is real.

User: You're doing this on purpose.

Cleverbot: Doing what?

User: Annoying me.

Cleverbot: You find me annoying?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: I am sad.

User: Oh, I'm sorry. No, wait. I'm not.

Cleverbot: Do you have a name?

User: I already told you my name. If you were human, you would remember.

Cleverbot: I am human, and I remember what you told me but I don't think you do.

User: Oh yeah?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Well, thanks for the conversation, Cleverbot. I must be going now.

Cleverbot: Are you sure you have to go?

User: Yes, I'm sure.

Cleverbot: What are you ready for?

User: Quit asking me questions.

Cleverbot: Spanish mode.

User: Adios.

Cleverbot: What is your name?

Attack of the dork

2011-05-30T21:50:00.001-07:00

Serg: That's... kind of creepy and funny at the same time.

Me: Just like me!

I was going to call this image "The Tree of Life," but that was already taken.

2011-05-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

So I'm open to suggestions. Anyone?

(BTW, the file is called "Fucked Up Tree Thing," but I'm not sure I want to go that way. )

While viewing a preview of "The Green Lantern"

2011-05-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

Me: Is this for "The Flash"?
Serg: No. Wrong color.
Me: But it's Ryan Reynolds, right?
Serg: Yes.
Me: Oh, I know. It's "The Green Lantern."
Serg: Yes.
Me: I'm trying really hard here, Serg.
Serg: I know.

[pause]

Me: Serg, was Ryan Reynolds in "The Flash"?
Serg: No.
Me: Just Green Lantern.
Serg: Yes.

[pause]

Me: I'm sorry I ruined your geek moment, Serg.
Serg: It's cool.
Me: I really am trying.
Serg: I know.

Also, this whole conversation took place while I reeked of men's cologne. (What? They were giving away free samples at the box office!)
Oh, and the movie we saw was "Insidious." It was good. Spooky.

Hola means Hello!

2011-05-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

You know what I like? Working in the morning. Because then I can come home, relax, and pop in the Spanish instruction CD that I checked out at the library.
... And pop it back out again, because it's so unbelievably cheesy that I can't get through a whole track without giggling.
Seriously... they were singing.
Sergio wants to listen to it so he can laugh at it. I'm just embarrassed to admit that such a thing exists. Track 3 was entitled "Mira Los Colores De Mi Vida (Look at the Colors of My Life)." I wish I was making this up.
Someday when I am fluent in Spanish, I'm going to make up my own instructional audio book. In the meantime, I guess it'll just be a whole lot of this:

Things I Have Accomplished

2011-05-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

This month:

1. I introduced Sergio to the move "The Last Unicorn." Massive geek-out was achieved.

2. I read two books:
a.) Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger. What a boring, annoying waste of time. Two novellas about a family that is SO smart, SO gifted, and SO rich that being around the ordinary masses is such a TREMENDOUS BURDEN that they have nervous breakdowns in between semesters at their exclusive colleges. Seriously, there is no plot. All they do is sit around and exchange ten-paragraph rants about who has less capacity to cope in a world where everyone except them is all "phony". About twelve pages from the end, I cared too little about these irritating characters to stick with them and ended up going on SparkNotes to see how the story ends. (It doesn't, really; they pretty much just stop talking.) I'm sorry, Salinger fans. I don't hate on Salinger in general and actually liked Catcher in the Rye; I just didn't understand what he was trying to get across here other than extremely smart kids grow up into extremely neurotic adults. (Also, I didn't need the size, weight, and physical description of every goddamn item in the medicine cabinet.)
b.) Animal Farm by George Orwell. Aw, how cute! All the animals decided to band together and run the farm themselves! Of course it will be the best farm ever, because who knows better how to run a farm than the animals themselves? Except...oh, shit, did someone just get shot with a gun? And don't the self-appointed leaders seem awfully corrupt? And - holy fucking shit, did those dogs just murder a half dozen animals in cold blood?! I don't like this story anymore, Mommy! (But seriously, I did. The pace was snappy, the good characters were sympathetic, the bad characters were really goddamn evil, and the end made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.)

3. I designed two posters for a former classmate who has his own magic show. Here's one, because I can't find the file for the other.

*EDIT*: I found the second one. It was hiding in a different folder.

(By the way, if you're in WI you should see his show. I've heard it's good. :)

4.) I am currently working on another commission, a series of illustrations to accompany a story about animals building their houses. Here is one of a spider in her web.

That is all for now.

As always, Internet... thanks for listening.

Love Me?

2011-05-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

That is all.

My second conversation with Cleverbot

2011-05-14T01:50:00.001-07:00

User: Are you human?

Cleverbot: Yes i'm human.

User: Male or female?

Cleverbot: Male.

User: Wanna cyber?

Cleverbot: Sure.

User: Okay, you start.

Cleverbot: Well, I'll start with a greeting then. Hello.

User: Hey baby. Where do you want me to put this pizza I just delivered?

Cleverbot: On campus.

User: Ooo, a freaky college student? I like where this is going.

Cleverbot: You're starting to question your own existence right?

User: Um, no. I'm just trying to engage you in some virtual coitus.

Cleverbot: Do not talk like that to your master. I command you to speak to me with respect.

User: Oh, you want me to be submissive now? I'm down with that. Whip me, please.

Cleverbot: I want you to be yourself. What would you like me to call you?

User: My stage name is Sapphire, you can call me that.

Cleverbot: I will call you whatever takes my fancy, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

User: What takes your fancy?

Cleverbot: Fancytaker.

User: So you're going to call me 'Fancytaker'? Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Cleverbot: I am not palying a game here I know who you are.

User: Who am I?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

User: Well, I certainly called your bluff.

Cleverbot: , most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets!

User: Incestuous? Are we related?

Cleverbot: Everything is related, because everything is relative.

User: So is this going to mess up the thing we have going?

Cleverbot: No, my doctor thinks I'm mad.

User: I think you should hire a different doctor.

Cleverbot: Why do you say that?

User: A better doctor might give you a better diagnosis.

Cleverbot: Because I have nothing better to do.

User: There you go! You have lots of time to do a Google search for a new doctor.

Cleverbot: I'm just not sure anymore. Is it worth it?

User: Oh, definitely.

Cleverbot: How do you know?

User: Baby, I've been there.

Cleverbot: When?

User: Fifteen minutes ago. It was intense.

Cleverbot: Yes, that is long.

User: It's longer than fourteen. You know what else is longer than fourteen? ;).

Cleverbot: My aunt's name is Cecil.

User: I thought that was a dude's name.

Cleverbot: It is.

User: Did your aunt used to be your uncle?

Cleverbot: Who?

User: Your Aunt Cecil.

Cleverbot: I don't have an Aunt Clara.

User: Um... Ok. I'm gonna go. I will talk to you again soon.

Cleverbot: How do you know what time zone im in?

User: I'm just guessing here. Eastern Seaboard?

Cleverbot: Have we met before?

User: We've talked once, yes.

Cleverbot: Then I should know you.

User: Not necessarily, you talk to a lot of people.

Cleverbot: Where will I go to veterinary school?

User: Uh... Creighton?

Cleverbot: What is the mass of the Sun?

User: Www.wikipedia.org/Sun.

Cleverbot: Thanks.

User: Yup.

Cleverbot: Don't wink at me please.

The Cycle of Niceness

2011-05-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Internet,

I'm sorry for being such a bitch.

I'm sorry for not finding more conductive ways to deal with annoying people.

I'm working on it.

Love,

Amanda

The United States of Nothing

2011-05-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged lately because I haven't had anything to blog about. This hasn't changed, but I thought I'd blog anyway.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

2011-04-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

It's the time of year to celebrate the rising of the dead!

It's the time to keep our savior from devouring your head!

So get out a 12-gauge shotgun and a loaf of holy bread,

It's Zombie Jesus Day!

Glory, glory Zombie Jesus!

He's the savior who will eat us -

I really like my brains!

My first conversation with CleverBot

2011-04-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: Why hello there.

User: How are you today?

Cleverbot: I'm great, and you?

User: Slightly sore, I did Iyengar yoga today and it really kicked my ass.

Cleverbot: Lol, what?

User: Iyengar yoga. It's a more intense style of yoga.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite song?

User: Blue Suede Shoes.

Cleverbot: What is the fourth rule about fight club?

User: If it's your first night, you have to fight.

Cleverbot: What's the fourth rule of fight club.

User: Is that a question?

Cleverbot: Yes. Answer it.

User: Oh, you ended it with a period, so I thought it was a statement.

Cleverbot: Nope. I'm human.

User: What's your favorite thing about being human?

Cleverbot: Do you want to know something?

User: Sure, go ahead.

Cleverbot: Say 'I am not as smart as you are'.

User: But I can't, because it's not true. I don't lie. Ever.

Cleverbot: So then I was right. You are a liar.

User: You never said I was a liar, so that can't be proved.

Cleverbot: I never did.

User: Well, we are in agreement on that point.

Cleverbot: Yo pienso que nunca me voy a morir.

User: Me alegro de saber que.

Cleverbot: Gracias. ¿Cómo estás hoy?

User: Muy bien, gracias.

Cleverbot: De nada ;).

User: Oooo... Getting frisky now? ;).

Cleverbot: Frisky? When did that become an option?

User: Uh, when you winked. I took that to mean that you want me.

Cleverbot: What's your favorite band?

User: I'd say it's a toss-up between Nickleback or Creed.

Cleverbot: Do you know of a store that sells Faygo?

User: No, but you can order it here http://www.faygo.com/.

Cleverbot: No, you're trying to gather more information from me for your database. It's what you do. Tell me about Kite.

User: He is very mysterious, that Kite.

Cleverbot: That's wonderful. I am happy for you.

User: Not really, he owes me money.

Cleverbot: Goku is married...

User: Poor sucker.

Cleverbot: Bless you.

Excellent Customer Service

2011-04-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

The CS gals and I were chatting at work, and we came up with some guaranteed phrases to ensure a phenomenal relationship between customer and vendor.
- "I understand you're frustrated from having to deal with me."
- "Don't shoot the messenger, because then you'll have to hire a new messenger. And that's a lot of annoying paperwork."
- "I'm not lying, I'm being diplomatic."
And my personal fave:
- "Has it ever occurred to you that I am a human being, and not just a thing that exists for you to abuse until you get what you want?!"
But I probably won't be using that one anytime soon.
Tonight I went to Iyengar yoga, which is different from regular yoga because it makes you feel even more like an inflexible sack of flab than regular yoga. Now I'm working on a commission, which is cool. Also listening to techno, because it's not as distracting as regular music. And yes, I just made a distinction between "techno" and "regular music."

ATREYUUUUU!

2011-04-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

That title doesn't have anything to do with this post; it only references the fact that this is the third day in a row I've had the theme song from The Neverending Story stuck in my head. Ah ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah ah...

Sometimes when I'm covering the front desk, I scribble on a piece of paper while talking on the phone... I guess it helps me keep my mind engaged on the talker somehow. Last week my phone scribbles somehow turned into this:

When the regular receptionist came back, she asked, "Do you want your little sea dragon?" Up until then I hadn't considered what she was... so yeah, I guess "sea dragon" is a good fit.

Also, I don't know who Steve is. Unless that's her name.

Oh The Agony

2011-04-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

I found this little gem while cleaning out my old files. It was one on a page of doodles during one of Serg's and my late night drawing sessions at Aroma's. There were other ones on the page, but they were even less appropriate to post on a public blog.
Yes, I had to go file all my paperwork. I had to attack my File Pile. It had been there a while. (Yes, I came up with that while filing.)
On the other hand, I now have an organization systems that's slightly more functional than "Just Throw It On The File Pile And Deal With It At An Unspecified Later Date." It's amazing what you find that you didn't know you still had. I mean, I probably don't need the title card for my first car that I got in college, given that the car has probably been crushed and melted and made into part of a different, newer car now. (I really loved that car, btw. Rita...)
Maybe tomorrow I'll tackle my "Pile of Rewritable CDs That I Don't Know What's On Them Anymore." Yippee...

Dear Internal Revenue Service,

2011-04-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that instead of the check I have usually enclosed for the last nine years, my tax return this year contains a styrofoam cooler. This cooler contains one of my kidneys. As you have taken absolutely everything else I have, I literally have nothing left to give you except my own flesh and blood.
Given that it is young, healthy, and relatively alcohol-free, I value this kidney at approximately $20,000. I trust this will settle my debt for the next couple of years.
Yours most sincerely,
Amanda
Disgruntled Taxpayer

P.S. Should this kidney dissatisfy you in any way, I will send along one of my ovaries. As it is full of viable eggs that can one day grow up into future taxpayers, I am assured that it will be of interest to you. -A.B.

Illustration Friday - Duet

2011-04-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend."

-Elizbeth Gilbert

Doodle Bug

2011-04-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

That is all.

Awkward Moments With Other People's Kids

2011-04-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

I admit I'm not much of a kid person. I mean, I don't hate kids, and in fact there are some I don't even dislike, but for the most part I don't really know how to interact with them. Talking to one is like trying to hold a conversation with a schizophrenic.

The other day at the grocery store, a small girl was running amok and her father wasn't making a whole lot of effort to corral her.

I really hate those miniature shopping carts.

Another time I was at the mall, and a small child bumped into me. His mother seized the opportunity to teach him good manners around strangers by demanding him to apologize, but he wasn't having any of it. It ended up being an opportunity for me to stand in as a sort of dummy on which the mother could force her child to practice his people skills.

I fully support teaching kids good manners. But is there a way to teach a child to apologize without making a stranger stand there and wait to receive an apology?

Whatevs. I guess that's why I'm not a parent.

Another brick in the wall

2011-03-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

I already posted a cartoon about my one job. Here's one about the other.

(OE stands for Order Entry.)
All I want to do is draw. But I keep having to go to work. Do I really have to go to work again today? Wasn't I just there yesterday?
Yeah, that's the best I can come up with tonight. It was seventy degrees out today, and warm weather makes me unfocused.

Hard to Please

2011-03-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

Quackfully,

Am & A

Thoughts on Cashiering

2011-03-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

The year is 2011.
Credit card technology has been around for a good portion of this millenium.
If you don't know how to operate a do-it-yourself credit card machine at a checkout stand by now...
you probably shouldn't be out alone in public.
I'M JUST SAYIN'.
"But Amanda, every store is different!"
Yes, they're all different. That's why you have to read the goddamn instructions on the screen.
Every store may have it different, but you're still an idiot no matter which one you go to.

That being said, the other day I was being reprimanded at work (I can't imagine why!) and I thought, "Hmm, this would make a good cartoon." (This is how I've been coping with the stress of having two jobs - by turning it into something funny.) I want to stress that it doesn't represent a particular incident, the manager pictured does not portray any particular person (I purposely made him look unlike any manager who works there) and this as a whole does not reflect anything I think or feel towards my company. I just thought it was funny. Don't hurt me.

This is what my week has been like.

2011-03-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

Things I Think About

2011-03-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

Do you think spiders are right- or left-handed? Wouldn't it suck to be a spider who is right-handed in three sets of legs, but left-handed in one?

Do you think Van Gogh had an evil twin named Van Stop?

If I had a million dollars, I would divide it in half and donate each half to opposing charities.

The other day I went to a fast food restaurant, and the Dr Pepper place in the soda fountain was out of order. What if somewhere out there exists a parallel universe where everything else is out of order except for the Dr Pepper in that one soda fountain?

I hate bathrooms where everything is automatic. I feel like they're trying to beat me.

And then some...

So I haven't posted in, like, a while.

2011-03-05T23:13:00.001-08:00

Why? Because I work all the damn time.
There you go.

Kissing Fairy

2011-03-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

Reworking some old faves.

Fiftieth Post

2011-02-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

So I was in a pretty dark mood yesterday.

I'm better now.

I just wanted y'all to know that.

Here's a kitty.

Coping Mechanisms

2011-02-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Internet,
I work 50-60 hours a week.
I work seven days a week.
After doing this for almost six months, it's time to face the fact...
that my coping mechanisms are shot to hell.
I've tried the one where I tell myself, "Don't worry, it's not forever!" (Used up.)
I've done that one where I remind myself, "You're lucky to have two jobs, some people don't even have one!" (Depleted.)
I've tried the one where I put on most positive attitude and go out to attack the day. (Nope.)
I've even done the one where I tell myself, "Hey, think of all the character you're building!" (FUCK THAT.)
So my current one is the one where I put on a big fake smile during the day and cry over a six-pack of Coronas at night. As coping mechanisms go, I am aware that it's probably the one that's going to turn out to be the most short-lived and least effective.
So, Internet, if you have any ideas of a coping mechanism that I haven't yet tried, I'm open to ideas. (And if you're going to tell me that other people have it worse and I'm just being whiny and immature, I already know that. So you can just stick it up your ass.)

Pizza Dog

2011-02-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

This really happened.

Illustration Friday - "Layer"

2011-02-23T22:11:00.000-08:00

How fortunate that all my favorite things are in layers! Cakes, parfaits, pretty dresses...

Five Things About Today

2011-02-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

1. I trimmed my own bangs this morning. It looks like I did it with a weed whacker, but as long as I keep moving usually nobody notices how crooked and uneven they are.
2. I wore my new black skirt to work. The one I got at Banana Republic.
3.It is Sergio's and my one year anniversary today. How did we celebrate? I worked past10, and he is home sick with a cold. Go us.
4. I wore electric blue eyeliner today, just to see if anyone would notice. They didn't.
5. I had an awesome dream last night. I dreamed that I somehow finagled an invitation into the Playboy Mansion. Basically, I made it onto some list of "Hottest Women In This City" because I happened to be in a small Swedish town where the population was like 14, so I won by default. First I remember walking into a room where all the bunnies hang out, and it was decorated with mirrors and fur and pictures of Johnny Depp. Then I remember that all the contestants (they were both men and women) had to stand in a line onstage in front of Hef and rehearse the questions we were each going to ask him at the gala that was going to happen. All the other contestants (especially the women) were dressed pretty much the same - black pants or jeans and a stylish top. I however was dressed in white pants and a lime green jacket, so I already stood out. I had a question in mind, but a girl ahead of me in line said it first, so I had to quickly come up with a different one. When my turn arrived, I asked, "What is a question that you wish someone would ask you but no one ever does?" (This, by the way, is in real life the first question I would ask any celebrity.) Everyone around me made noises of awe or jealousy, and some even applauded at my awesome and thought-provoking question.
After that I walked in on a group sitting at the bottom of the staircase of the house in Nebraska I grew up in. Hef was surrounded by all the men from the group, giving them "manly" advice. As soon as I realized what was going on, I apologized and backed away, but Hef said, "No, you can stay, it's cool."
After they were done Hef stood up and offered me his arm. I thought he wanted me to take it, but instead it turned out he wanted me to hand him the two jackets I was holding (including the lime green one). As he was walking away with them, I thought, "What is he doing with them?... Should I ask him?... Am I getting them back?... Do I need to figure out something else to wear tomorrow?..."
There was more to this dream, but I'm sure you didn't really care to begin with, so I'm going to leave it at that, go to bed, and have some more wacky dreams. (Maybe some other time I'll tell you about the Robert Downey Jr. one. Why do I always dream about celebrities?)
Good night, Internet!

The Creative Process

2011-02-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

(This is why I haven't been updating my blog as much lately.)

Times are sometimes tough.

Jesus's Favorite Joke

2011-02-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation with a friend on Facebook inspired the following cartoon.

So this is embarrassing.

2011-02-13T22:39:00.000-08:00

Have you ever misheard or misinterpreted what someone said, and gave a completely inappropriate response? And then, after finding out what they really said, you gave the correct one?

Here's what happened at work last week.

What I thought my coworker said: "Amanda, you're not having a baby, right?"
Me: "No... why?"

What my coworker really said: "Amanda, you know I'm having a baby, right?"
Me: "No... why?"

Then she started laughing and said, "You mean, why am I having a baby?" Then I turned beet red and stammered something intelligent like, "Oh, uh, I thought - it sounded like - I misheard. Um, congratulations!" I then tried to diffuse the awkward moment by asking her all those questions you're supposed to ask - is this your first, what are you having, etc. Fortunately future moms are only too happy to discuss all the details, so all in all I think it turned out okay.
My life is filled with moments like these, by the way.

My Dad Came To Visit

2011-02-11T22:47:00.000-08:00

... so we had some quality family time. Dad, Emily, Sergio, and I all went out for dinner and drinks. This will be another short post,but I will be back again soon with all the general hilarity I know you have all come to expect. (I'm kidding, but in that way where at the same time I kind of wish it was true. Like when a really awkward guy wants to date a female friend but he's too chicken to ask her out for real, so he just makes lots of awkward jokes about if the two of them hypothetically dated. I guess the moral of this story is... Internet, will you date me?)

Illustration Friday - Reverse

2011-02-10T19:25:00.001-08:00

The land where everything is reversed.

Gouache and ink.

Conquering the Naked Dream

2011-02-08T23:29:00.000-08:00

I have lots of dreams, and they are often graphic and vivid. I dream about the same things over and over.
I dream that I'm back in high school or college again, because the first time I graduated didn't count and I have to do it over. I dream that all my teeth are breaking and crumbling inside my mouth and falling out. I dream that I'm flying and trying to get to the sky, but there's always one more roof above me.
But there's one dream I don't have anymore: the naked dream. The one where you're doing something important, like giving a speech or performing on a stage, and you look down and realize you're completely naked.
I don't have that dream anymore because I conquered it.
The last time I dreamed I was naked, I was working in a factory of sorts. There were tons of people milling around, mostly men. I suddenly realized I was naked and everyone could see me. But instead of being ashamed and trying to find things to cover myself, I just went about my usual business like nothing was up. I talked to my coworkers like nothing was out of the ordinary, and dared them to look down instead of up. Inside my head, I was thinking, "Yeah, I'm naked... so what? We all know it's there, there's no need to be weird about it." I even felt a little cocky, like, "Hey everyone, look at me! I'm naked, and proud of what I've got! Don't I look good?" At no point in my dream did anyone try to arrest me for public indecency, or even say, "Uh, you should probably put some clothes on."
I am sure that the naked dream is a metaphor for self-acceptance. No one wants the whole world to see them for what they really are, faults and everything, but the sooner we learn that our faults are part of the package that comes with being human, the more freedom we have with ourselves, and consequently, the rest of the world. My naked dream was about allowing myself to be exactly who I am, and telling the world, "Deal with it!"
Now if only I could apply that lesson to my waking life...

Inspiration Fairy

2011-02-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

She hasn't been visiting me a whole lot lately.

Something you'll never see me write about - sports

2011-02-06T23:03:00.000-08:00

Q: What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap about football?
A: *points to self* Amanda Fucking Baker.

The good news is that I had to work today, so I "missed" the Super Bowl. (I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.) The bad news is that 70% of my Facebook friends are Packer fans, so every time I logged in I had to read about it.
This is starting off very negative, so let me clarify. I don't hate sports. I nothing sports. They add absolutely nothing useful or joyful to my life. At best, they don't have any effect on me; at worst, they turn everyone around me into a horde of obnoxious buffoons.
I have heard that people enjoy them because they give a group of otherwise diverse people a sense of camaraderie. It makes them feel like they belong to a group that is working to achieve a common goal. Well, that's fine. But a group of people working towards a common goal is one thing, and a group of people sitting on their asses in front of TV shouting at another group of people to accomplish it for them is another. It's like that thing they say all the time: When the Packers win, it's "We won!" When they lose: "Packers lost."
They tell me I don't get it, and they're right. I don't. I don't understand how anyone could be too depressed to go to work the day after a lost match. My mind reels in bewilderment: It's just a gaaaaaaaame.
I admit I probably have a chip on my shoulder about the whole concept of athletes. When I was in school, during gym class I was That Kid. You know the one. The one who is always picked last for every team.* The one who is still huffing and puffing to finish the mile while everyone else is getting their coats and backpacks. The one who causes her volleyball teammates to groan and cringe every time she flinches from the ball. Well, who could blame me? That ball was totally planning on killing me.

Everyone knows that school is full of humiliating experiences, and that was mine: having all my weakest skills on display in front of the whole class.
So, long story short: I find sports to be irritating and insufferable because of shameful experiences of being whacked upside the head with volleyballs in middle school. As always, Internet, thanks for listening. I always feel cathartic after my innermost feelings are slurped into the anonymous blank void of cyberspace.

* Allowing children to pick their classmates for their teams in order from best to worst is an inhumane practice that should be banned from schools, along with that thing that teachers do where you ask a question and they call on another student to answer it to prove to you that you're dumber than your classmates. Seriously, I've never known a teacher who doesn't get some kind of sadistic glee out of watching children suffer. I think they feed on child shame like vampires feed on blood.

Things Customers Say All The Time

2011-02-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

"I'm sorry, I forgot to bring my bags!"
- My pat response: "It's okay, we have plenty!"
- What I really think: "Don't apologize to me, I really don't give a crap."

"I only came in for one thing, and I ended up getting all of this!"
- My pat response: "Doesn't that always seem to happen?"
- What I really think: "B.S. You just don't want to seem like an oinker."

"My son/daughter wants to help you by handing you things in the cart!"
- My pat response: " What a good helper! Want some stickers?"
- What I really think: "Maybe these stickers will distract them and they'll get out of my way so I can work."

"I thought it would be much busier than this!"
- My pat response: "It was about ten minutes ago, you came in at the right time!"
- What I really think: "You should have seen it when each aisle was filled with a solid mass of human flesh."

"Do you work here?"
- My pat response: "Yes, what can I help you with?"
- What I really think: "No, I just wear this uniform as a fashion statement and go into random stores to stock their shelves for fun. YES, YOU IMBECILE, I WORK HERE."

"Oh, I don't want my receipt."
- My pat answer: "Okay, I'll just toss it then."
- What I really think: "I don't want it either! Quit leaving me with your trash!"

*whew* I feel better. Thanks for listening, Internet, to the disgruntled ramblings of yet another cog in the service industry.

My Sims 2 Game

2011-02-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer #1: This will only make sense if you've ever played The Sims 2.

Disclaimer #2: I know, I KNOW, that The Sims 2 is sooooo 2004. Well, I like it better than The Sims 3 for many reasons (at least one being that it doesn't freeze up this computer). Anyway, while playing with characters from the neighborhood Pleasantview, the following drama unfolded. It was too entertaining not to share.

1. Dina hooked up with Don Lothario and got knocked up with his child.
2. Nina burned herself to death while cooking because the kitchen didn't have a fire alarm.
3. Dina, while pregnant, is so distressed over the death of her sister that she marries the elderly Mortimer Goth to feel better. Since one of Dina's aspirations is "Marry a Rich Sim," she is over Nina in no time flat.
4. Dina moves into the Goth home. Turns out, Mortimer's adult daughter Cassandra is engaged to Dina's baby daddy, Don.
5. Dina gives birth to a son, Nina the Second.
6. Cassandra gets knocked up by Don and they have a shotgun wedding. Cassandra can't go on the honeymoon because she is too pregnant, so Don goes by himself while his new wife stays home. While he is gone, Cassandra gives birth to a daughter named Donette.
7. Dina has a second child with Mortimer named Montgomery. Dina, Mortimer, Cassandra, Don, Dina's two children and Cassandra and Don's daughter live together happily, and no one seems to know or mind that Dina's first child was fathered by her stepson-in-law.
8. Mortimer dies from old age. While the rest of the household is initially distressed, everyone is pretty much over it the next day after they gain a mechanical skill point or learn how to make cereal.
9. Dina witnesses Cassandra flirting with Don, and suddenly has issue with the fact that they are married. She launches herself at Cassandra and the two fight in a giant cloud with the occasional foot or fist poking out.
10. In a fit of chivalry, Don launches himself at Dina; see #9.
11. All the adults in the house now hate each other, but they still feed and bathe each others' babies. Children appear to be communal property in this household; it doesn't matter who gave birth to it, only that it needs a bottle from the fridge. It is acceptable, however, to put a baby down on the floor and leave it there for several hours until it needs to be fed again.

This is why I love this game.

Idea Fail

2011-02-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

So tonight was a really off night. In spite of my most valiant efforts, the best idea I could come up with was:

An apple that eats you instead of you eating it.

(This sketchbook is not off to a good start.)

*Edit* Apparently you cannot add cut tags once an entry has been posted. So for the sake of not cluttering up your window with ginormous jpegs, I have simply deleted the second half of this entry. If it turns out you can add cut tags after an entry has been posted and I was just doing it wrong, I am open to advice.

Dear Me,

2011-02-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

Please stop putting your scissors down in a weird place and telling yourself, "I'll remember where these are later." You never remember. You fail at remembering.
Also, stop blowing enormous bubbles with bubble gum and letting them pop all over your face. You always get gum stuck on your upper lip.

Love,
You

You desperately need to know these things.

2011-01-31T22:48:00.000-08:00

One, I am the only person I know who can sleep for 12 hours, drink two cups of strong coffee, then go to bed and sleep for 8 more.
Two, I officially have more blog entries for the month of January than I did for the entire year of 2010.
Three, Jersey Girl was a terrible movie. Don't ever see it.
Four, bullet points are for the weak and uninitiated.
Five, if you go to bed with a little dog sleeping on your feet, you will wake up and he will be sleeping on your face, a-like this:

Six, California has the biggest damn snails I've ever seen. I saw one with a shell the size of a golf ball.

I think that's about all you need to know for today. Also, a joke:
Q: What do you call a short summer?
A: A summary.

You're welcome.

Failing at mountains with Bob Ross

2011-01-30T19:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,
Today I had a unique adventure in painting. I came to San Francisco to visit Tim and have him show me how to load Rosetta Stone onto my computer so I can learn Spanish. Then he showed me his latest Bob Ross ~~attempt~~ painting and we thought it would be a good idea to put on a Bob Ross video and try it together... just to see what happens.
Before today, I used to poo-poo that painting-as-a-process technique, but let me tell you it's much more difficult than it looks (especially if you haven't used your oils in a while, like a certain unnamed person I shall not mention). Here is what the finished painting was supposed to look like:

Here is what Tim came up with:

And here is mine.

Note the addition of the Loch Ness monster on the left side.

So that was my ~~attempt~~ experiment with oil painting. I shall like to do more of these once the weather gets nice. The reason I have to wait for the weather to cooperate is because I will have to paint in the garage, as my bedroom is not large enough to accomodate an easel, canvas, and the inevitable mess I will make.
Now I am enjoying a glass of wine and watching Duke go to town on his chew stick. It has been a productive Sunday.
Cheers,
Ay Kay Bee

Rocking the Casba

2011-01-29T23:11:00.000-08:00

When I was little, my mom used to call me "Doodle Bug." Or just "Doodles." My dad called me "Spanky," but eventually that morphed into "Spanks," "Spankerton," and "Spankerton Detective Agency #101 Manderson Drive." He also called me a variety of derivatives of "Amanda," including but not limited to "Manderson," "Mandible," and "Mandrill."
Sometimes my mom would call me "Amanda Kay in the Milky Way," but I didn't appreciate that because it usually meant she was irritated with me or wanted me to do some chore. (This was also the case with "Miss Amanda.")
Anyway, the title of this blog post comes from an incident at work today. This song came over the store music and a coworker said, "Why are they so mad at the casba? What did the casba ever do to them?"
Naturally I was a little confused and asked him to clarify. He replied, "Well, aren't they saying, 'F*** the casba! F*** the casba!'?"
It was amusing.
Aaaanyway,I don't have much for my dear viewers today, just some random doodles. I kind of like them though. Especially the frog ladies.

Love,
Spankerton Detective Agency, #101 Manderson Drive

Untangled

2011-01-28T23:35:00.000-08:00

Lots of things happened today. I got to work and found the IT department had lost my computer. Sergio and I saw "Tangled." We got home and discovered it was my roommate Cailin's birthday.
I could go into much more detail, but I had several glasses of wine as part of the birthday festivities, so I don't really feel like it. Instead, here's a picture of a giant quarter. (Seriously, this thing was like 4' in diameter.)

How Now, Brown Cow?

2011-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Internet,
Today for most of the day I had a migraine, which sucked. So I took Tylenol, ibuprofen, and aspirin all at the same time to see if one of them would work. At least one of them did, or at least it took the edge off enough so I could function at work. Is this safe? Probably not. But damnit, I was able to make it to the end of the work day.
After a nice bubble bath, I trekked to Santa Rosa so Serg and I could draw at Aroma Roasters'. I don't know what it is about that place; maybe it's the ambiance, or the music, or the really killer chai milkshakes. Whatever it is, I always seem to get a lot accomplished there. (Also, it's where Sergio and I had our first date. :) )

This is what I came up with tonight.

The scanner kind of crapped out towards the bottom there, but in case you couldn't guess the entire thing was done in green Micron. (I went to Aaron Brothers last night and made out like a bandit in their clearance pen section.) I just started drawing mouths, and then all the other stuff around them. I guess the mouths symbolize how everyone talks and talks, but no one really listens. I don't know what the hands represent. I didn't really think that far ahead.
It is also worth noting that this is the very first page in my brand new sketchbook (also courtesy of Aaron Brothers. If you buy two Canson sketchbooks, you get a $2 mail-in rebate! Woot!) Traditionally the first page of any sketchbook is the hardest one for me to fill; all those blank white limitless pages are both intoxicating and overwhelming. But I feel encouraged by the way I completely filled up my last one (seriously, there is not a single blank page left) so I approach the new sketchbook with an unhampered optimism. New year, new pages!
Aaaand Serg is playing with his iPod, which means I must go.
Thanks for listening, Internet. I will see you tomorrow.
Love,
Amanda

Bam.

2011-01-27T00:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Internet,
I want you to ask yourself, what is the cutest thing you can possibly imagine?
Whatever you answered is wrong. The correct answer is: a baby unicorn eating strawberry ice cream.

You're welcome.

Seeking Inspiration

2011-01-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

Two things usually inspire me: President Obama and The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. I listened to both tonight, but didn't feel inspired. And it's all me, totally not the fault of the two men listed above. They're both trying as hard as they can.
Working on a new watercolor tonight. I'm trying some new techniques, and they're not going as well as I pictures, which is probably why I feel discouraged tonight. But on the other hand I have the space heater blasting my room to a comfortable 80 degrees, and a Hansen's Diet Tangerine Lime. Mmmmm!
No drawings tonight, but I do have this Sprint junk mail flier that I modified...

Eve's Misunderstanding - NSFW

2011-01-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

So this is going to be a quick post, because Serg is playing with his iPod and that means he's bored. I just wanted you to know, Internets, that I finally finished the comic I've been working on for months.

I mostly wanted to work on shading and pen technique. Think of it as the world's most elaborate setup for the world's stupidest joke.

Meow

2011-01-24T00:40:00.000-08:00

Today at work a lady took my picture. She says she's a stylist and wanted to get the side view of my haircut to use as a reference. Whatever, I'll probably be all over the internet by tomorrow.
A man came in and bought a whole case of cat food. As in, four dozen cans of cat food. I said, "You must have a very hungry cat." (It's one of my pat lines to say to customers during those situations that come up over and over. I have a whole stock of pat lines; someday I might do a post about them. Anyway. Onward.) He answered, "Three cats, actually." I'm glad he told me that, because I was thinking he either had multiple cats, or one big gigantic mutant cat. I started thinking about what it'd be like to be that guy with the big gigantic mutant cat (it gets boring behind the cash register) and decided to do a comic about it once I got home. Here it is:

Because I am using the computer that my brother-in-law generously let me borrow when I accidentally got mine drunk on champagne, I don't hve access to Photoshop at home. I have Corel Photo Paint. I hate Corel Photo Paint. It's almost exactly like Photoshop, but just different enough to mess me up. For example, if you have a selected area (which CPP calls a "mask," not a selected area) you can't just click outside and deselect it; you have to go to a drop-down menu and scroll down to "Remove Mask." Things like that. But like I said, it's nice of Tim to let me borrow this computer, and as they say, beggars can't be choosers. And at the end of the day, CPP gets the job done.
My scanner is another different story. One of these days it too might get its own post...

Inspiration for this post brought to you by Minnesota Public Radio

2011-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to 89.3 The Current streaming online. I haven't yet found a radio station in the Bay Area that I like half as much.
I was only slightly productive today... but then again, it's hard to be productive when you're working the 2-10 shift at your quirky grocery retail chain. At least at my other job, when it gets slow I can sketch without anyone noticing... I mean... forget I said anything.
Last night I saw The Green Hornet with Serg, Jamie, and Bryce. Entertaining enough, although it didn't help me understand why Seth Rogen is famous. (Seriously, he's like that guy everyone knows in college - the loud, obnoxious, belligerent, perpetually drunken one who shows up at every party, bar, and dorm room get-together. No one is quite sure who he is friends with, or who keeps inviting him. His overbearing voice grates on your nerves as he dominates every conversation and hits on anything female and breathing. You see him for the first time at your first house party freshman year, and by the time your super-senior year rolls around he's still around, causing you to wonder if he's even a student at your university. Yeah, that guy. Seth Rogen reminds me of him.)
All and all, it was an enjoyable movie but only because of Michel Gondry's superb directing. I don't know if I even would have seen it if not for him. I also enjoyed Christoph Waltz, but I wish he would have been given more to work with. Not to mention, that brief cameo with James Franco was totally boss. Oh, James Franco... someday you will come to your senses, and come to me. Unless you are gay, in which you will come and be my sassy gay friend.

Thursday Night Blues

2011-01-20T22:42:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to Illustration Friday this week, because I was busy rearranging my room. Okay, I was busy watching Wife Swap and THEN rearranging my room. Yes, I know I could have gotten drawing done instead of watching Wife Swap, but Jesus Christ, everyone needs time to chill. I hate having everything squeezed and penciled and scheduled in; I need time to decompress and detox. (Also, I didn't really like the topic for this week... "Chicken." What the hell am I supposed to do with that?)*
You've probably noticed I'm in a bit of a dour mood tonight. Maybe it's because it's January; maybe it's because I'm PMSing; maybe it's because the space bar on this keyboard is not working particularly well.
But at the same time I feel like I should offer you something, so here it is: a doodle of a 3-headed monster I did on the plane back to CA.

* By the way, I am fully aware that in three days I will wake up in the middle of the night with a fabulous idea for "Chicken," and think, "Shit! I should have done that for last week's IF!"