Wednesday, July 24, 2013

10 Recurring Dreams I Have Had

1. One of my teeth (usually a molar) is loose, wiggling, and ready to break loose and fall out. Sometimes it does, and all this rocky, pebbly, crumbly white shit keeps coming and coming out of my mouth.

2. I'm leaving on a trip to somewhere fabulous (usually London or NYC) and I need to finish packing and get to the airport. I keep finding more and more things that I need to pack, and I'm going to miss my flight.

3. My parents have decided to move us all back into the house in Nebraska where we grew up. I'm wondering how to explain this to my job and/or boyfriend.

3a. I am moving OUT of the house where we grew up. I need to pack all of my things so we can leave, but I keep finding more and more. And then I can't decide what I'm going to take, what I'm going to leave behind, and what I'm going to throw away.

4. I'm taking a studio art class in college again. I forgot that our projects are due today, and I don't have a single thing to show to the class. I'm wondering if I should just skip class. (This is not far from what was my reality in college.)

5. I'm doing my senior year of high school over again in Nebraska, because graduating only counts if you attend the same high school all four years. I have no idea what my class schedule is, or where any of my classes are. I'm vaguely wondering in the back of my head why they're even bothering, since I already have a college degree.

6. Same as #5, except in middle school. Sometimes I just leave through the front door of the school building while school is in session, and run or fly up the steep hills of the neighborhood surrounding Elkhorn Middle School before anyone can catch me. (I fly in my dreams a lot.)

7. My entire family hates me, and is withholding crucial information from me. I have no idea what I did to make them angry, and any attempts to inquire or make amends result in me coming off as whiny and pathetic, making them hate me even more.

8. I'm taking care of a baby or kitten or puppy, and it keeps getting smaller and smaller until it can fit in the palm of my hand. Then it dies or becomes comatose.

9. I'm breaking in and sneaking through a stranger's house while they're home. I don't want to steal anything or creep on them - I just want to look at all their things and see how they live.

10. I'm driving a car down the freeway, but at the same time I'm taking a nap in the backseat. Every now and then I check to make sure the car is staying on course. It seems okay, but I feel like I should do something before I get arrested or get in an accident.

10a. I'm driving down a freeway, and there is a part of the drive that is very difficult. The road follows a very high hill and becomes lethally steep, like a roller coaster. If you're driving up, you start falling backwards in your car; if you're driving down, you have to pay very tight attention or your car will career out of control.

10b. I'm going down a busy freeway at a high speed, but instead of driving I'm running or riding a bike alongside the other cars. I have a lot of driving dreams.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Your Daily Chunkspiration

1. I overheard a coworker saying that she can't drink too much because she only weighs 108 pounds, and therefore gets drunk too easily.

2. My first thought was, "She weighs at least 20 pounds less than me, and she's my height. I have a hard time feeling bad for her, and an easier time feeling bad for myself."

3. Then I thought, "But wait a minute - if she's my height and frame, but weighs at least 20 pounds less than me, then I could probably take her down in a fight. Easily."

4. "I want to fight her and take her down."

5. "Also, my higher density of body composition means I could also outdrink her."

6. "I want to get her drunk and then fight her."

7. It made me think of those obnoxious "thinspiration" boards on Pinterest - you know, the ones that show you pictures of skinny girls with sayings superimposed over them, sayings like:

- Would you rather have a doughnut, or flat abs?
- Would you rather have cake, or a gap between your thighs?
- Would you rather have BBQ ribs, or exposed ribs?

7a. I agree with the boards that show a girl in sweatpants shoving thirty Ho-Hos into her mouth while giving two middle fingers.

8. I also hate those condescending fitness magazines that have headlines like, "Kate Beckinsale has this rockin' body, and she hates working out!" (Implied tagline: "What's your excuse, you fat sack of shit?")

9. Would you rather let magazines and Pinterest bully you into thinking you're a fat sack of shit, or eat cake because cake is delicious?

10. Would you rather invest a lot of time into looking better than everyone else, or spend that time actually doing something?

11. Would you rather be the skinniest girl in the room, or the most badass?

12. (I know they don't have to be mutually exclusive. Just imagine that you have to pick only one.)

13. These are my thoughts. Please feel free to share your own.

14. Cake is delicious.