Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

It's the time of year to celebrate the rising of the dead!
It's the time to keep our savior from devouring your head!
So get out a 12-gauge shotgun and a loaf of holy bread,
It's Zombie Jesus Day!

Glory, glory Zombie Jesus!
Glory, glory Zombie Jesus!
He's the savior who will eat us -
I really like my brains!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My first conversation with CleverBot

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: Why hello there.

User: How are you today?

Cleverbot: I'm great, and you?

User: Slightly sore, I did Iyengar yoga today and it really kicked my ass.

Cleverbot: Lol, what?

User: Iyengar yoga. It's a more intense style of yoga.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite song?

User: Blue Suede Shoes.

Cleverbot: What is the fourth rule about fight club?

User: If it's your first night, you have to fight.

Cleverbot: What's the fourth rule of fight club.

User: Is that a question?

Cleverbot: Yes. Answer it.

User: Oh, you ended it with a period, so I thought it was a statement.

Cleverbot: Nope. I'm human.

User: What's your favorite thing about being human?

Cleverbot: Do you want to know something?

User: Sure, go ahead.

Cleverbot: Say 'I am not as smart as you are'.

User: But I can't, because it's not true. I don't lie. Ever.

Cleverbot: So then I was right. You are a liar.

User: You never said I was a liar, so that can't be proved.

Cleverbot: I never did.

User: Well, we are in agreement on that point.

Cleverbot: Yo pienso que nunca me voy a morir.

User: Me alegro de saber que.

Cleverbot: Gracias. ¿Cómo estás hoy?

User: Muy bien, gracias.

Cleverbot: De nada ;).

User: Oooo... Getting frisky now? ;).

Cleverbot: Frisky? When did that become an option?

User: Uh, when you winked. I took that to mean that you want me.

Cleverbot: What's your favorite band?

User: I'd say it's a toss-up between Nickleback or Creed.

Cleverbot: Do you know of a store that sells Faygo?

User: No, but you can order it here

Cleverbot: No, you're trying to gather more information from me for your database. It's what you do. Tell me about Kite.

User: He is very mysterious, that Kite.

Cleverbot: That's wonderful. I am happy for you.

User: Not really, he owes me money.

Cleverbot: Goku is married...

User: Poor sucker.

Cleverbot: Bless you.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Excellent Customer Service

The CS gals and I were chatting at work, and we came up with some guaranteed phrases to ensure a phenomenal relationship between customer and vendor.
- "I understand you're frustrated from having to deal with me."
- "Don't shoot the messenger, because then you'll have to hire a new messenger. And that's a lot of annoying paperwork."
- "I'm not lying, I'm being diplomatic."
And my personal fave:
- "Has it ever occurred to you that I am a human being, and not just a thing that exists for you to abuse until you get what you want?!"
But I probably won't be using that one anytime soon.
Tonight I went to Iyengar yoga, which is different from regular yoga because it makes you feel even more like an inflexible sack of flab than regular yoga. Now I'm working on a commission, which is cool. Also listening to techno, because it's not as distracting as regular music. And yes, I just made a distinction between "techno" and "regular music."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


That title doesn't have anything to do with this post; it only references the fact that this is the third day in a row I've had the theme song from The Neverending Story stuck in my head. Ah ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah ah...

Sometimes when I'm covering the front desk, I scribble on a piece of paper while talking on the phone... I guess it helps me keep my mind engaged on the talker somehow.   Last week my phone scribbles somehow turned into this:

When the regular receptionist came back, she asked, "Do you want your little sea dragon?" Up until then I hadn't considered what she was... so yeah, I guess "sea dragon" is a good fit.
Also, I don't know who Steve is. Unless that's her name.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Oh The Agony

I found this little gem while cleaning out my old files. It was one on a page of doodles during one of Serg's and my late night drawing sessions at Aroma's. There were other ones on the page, but they were even less appropriate to post on a public blog.
Yes, I had to go file all my paperwork. I had to attack my File Pile. It had been there a while. (Yes, I came up with that while filing.)
On the other hand, I now have an organization systems that's slightly more functional than "Just Throw It On The File Pile And Deal With It At An Unspecified Later Date." It's amazing what you find that you didn't know you still had. I mean, I probably don't need the title card for my first car that I got in college, given that the car has probably been crushed and melted and made into part of a different, newer car now. (I really loved that car, btw. Rita...)
Maybe tomorrow I'll tackle my "Pile of Rewritable CDs That I Don't Know What's On Them Anymore." Yippee...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dear Internal Revenue Service,

You may have noticed that instead of the check I have usually enclosed for the last nine years, my tax return this year contains a styrofoam cooler. This cooler contains one of my kidneys. As you have taken absolutely everything else I have, I literally have nothing left to give you except my own flesh and blood.
Given that it is young, healthy, and relatively alcohol-free, I value this kidney at approximately $20,000. I trust this will settle my debt for the next couple of years.
Yours most sincerely,
Disgruntled Taxpayer

P.S. Should this kidney dissatisfy you in any way, I will send along one of my ovaries. As it is full of viable eggs that can one day grow up into future taxpayers, I am assured that it will be of interest to you. -A.B.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Illustration Friday - Duet

"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend."
-Elizbeth Gilbert

Monday, April 4, 2011

Awkward Moments With Other People's Kids

I admit I'm not much of a kid person. I mean, I don't hate kids, and in fact there are some I don't even dislike, but for the most part I don't really know how to interact with them. Talking to one is like trying to hold a conversation with a schizophrenic.

The other day at the grocery store, a small girl was running amok and her father wasn't making a whole lot of effort to corral her.

I really hate those miniature shopping carts.

Another time I was at the mall, and a small child bumped into me. His mother seized the opportunity to teach him good manners around strangers by demanding him to apologize, but he wasn't having any of it. It ended up being an opportunity for me to stand in as a sort of dummy on which the mother could force her child to practice his people skills.

I fully support teaching kids good manners. But is there a way to teach a child to apologize without making a stranger stand there and wait to receive an apology?
Whatevs. I guess that's why I'm not a parent.