Sunday, February 6, 2011

Something you'll never see me write about - sports

Q: What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap about football?
A: *points to self* Amanda Fucking Baker.

The good news is that I had to work today, so I "missed" the Super Bowl. (I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.) The bad news is that 70% of my Facebook friends are Packer fans, so every time I logged in I had to read about it.
This is starting off very negative, so let me clarify. I don't hate sports. I nothing sports. They add absolutely nothing useful or joyful to my life. At best, they don't have any effect on me; at worst, they turn everyone around me into a horde of obnoxious buffoons.
I have heard that people enjoy them because they give a group of otherwise diverse people a sense of camaraderie. It makes them feel like they belong to a group that is working to achieve a common goal. Well, that's fine. But a group of people working towards a common goal is one thing, and a group of people sitting on their asses in front of TV shouting at another group of people to accomplish it for them is another. It's like that thing they say all the time: When the Packers win, it's "We won!" When they lose: "Packers lost."
They tell me I don't get it, and they're right. I don't. I don't understand how anyone could be too depressed to go to work the day after a lost match. My mind reels in bewilderment: It's just a gaaaaaaaame.
I admit I probably have a chip on my shoulder about the whole concept of athletes. When I was in school, during gym class I was That Kid. You know the one. The one who is always picked last for every team.* The one who is still huffing and puffing to finish the mile while everyone else is getting their coats and backpacks. The one who causes her volleyball teammates to groan and cringe every time she flinches from the ball. Well, who could blame me? That ball was totally planning on killing me.

Everyone knows that school is full of humiliating experiences, and that was mine: having all my weakest skills on display in front of the whole class.
So, long story short: I find sports to be irritating and insufferable because of shameful experiences of being whacked upside the head with volleyballs in middle school. As always, Internet, thanks for listening. I always feel cathartic after my innermost feelings are slurped into the anonymous blank void of cyberspace.

* Allowing children to pick their classmates for their teams in order from best to worst is an inhumane practice that should be banned from schools, along with that thing that teachers do where you ask a question and they call on another student to answer it to prove to you that you're dumber than your classmates. Seriously, I've never known a teacher who doesn't get some kind of sadistic glee out of watching children suffer. I think they feed on child shame like vampires feed on blood.


Samantha said...

Hear, hear. I was wary of logging onto facebook all last night because I knew that was all I would read about. Really? It IS just a game. I'll never understand why people get so worked up over it.

Christina Rodriguez said...

I enjoy sports, but oh boy do I refuse to support professional sports teams or athletes in any way. For starters, too many pro players have criminal records:

Needless to say, I don't spend my money buying team-affiliated clothing or tickets to games. I also try not to buy from companies that pay tons of money for endorsements from pro athletes.